Thursday, October 7, 2010

Top 5 Annoying Things This Lawyer Deals With.

This post is not directed at anyone in particular, nor is it a commentary regarding any of my current or previous clients. It is meant for entertainment purposes only, and does not constitute legal advice in any form or fashion. 

5, Save the "I'm innocent, I swear on my Mama!" for, well, your mama. She's the only one who is influenced at all by your assurances. The prosecutor already thinks you're guilty of every crime possible to commit, and I'm gonna work my tail-end off for you regardless. You get all my zeal, my passion, my all nighters, and my investigative support for the low, low price of...wait....I'm your appointed attorney. You're not paying me anything.

4, When I don't answer the phone after your thirteen call in one hour, it's not because I'm partying it up with the "exorbitant retainer" you paid. It's because I'm in court, representing another client who also paid an "exorbitant retainer." Leave a message, wait your turn. I promise I'll call you back.

3, If your mom, your dad, your sister, or your boss calls me, please understand that I won't (can't) "just let them know what's up, cuz you're busy." I'm spending a lot of time preparing a case to support your claim. The least you can do is respect my refusal to breach the ethics which bind me.

2, As a newly minted attorney, please believe me when I promise you that I'm not rich, don't have swiss bank accounts filled with money, and yes, this car really is mine and not one I borrowed from a friend so I can 'look poor.' My fees are reasonable and commensurate with the going rate in this area for this type of legal work. I made tremendous sacrifices to obtain the documentation allowing me to practice, I deserve every penny of the fees I work so hard for. Plus, my kids need dinner and this whole lawyering gig is what pays the bills.

And lastly,

1, No, I'm not going to spend every minute of this wonderful party listening to your "hypothetical situation" and then provide solutions (magical unicorn solutions at that!) for free. I'm not allowed to give out legal advice to non-clients, and unless my checking account is playing hide and seek games with me, you haven't given me a check to deposit. You want my advice, set up a free consultation and we'll go from there. Otherwise, stop facebooking me for the answer to "a little legal question."


  1. Dang! Before I read that last comment I was going to ask "a little legal question". LOL Just kidding. I'm sure you get asked that millions of times and I know I'm guilty of it myself in one fashion or another. I get asked by customers at work to help them find something or direct them somewhere. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to get to the break room for my measely 10minute break. =)

    ~Mimi from the Lamby Tribe

  2. I feel ya Mimi! Seems no matter your industry, people always want to nab just "a moment" of your time. No one seems to grasp that *everyone's* time is precious, and that everyone deserves to be compensated for the use of it! I worked at a store over Christmas last year, and it was the same thing there! At least people tip their waitress (usually anyhow!). Thanks for your comment. :-)

  3. LMBO :) I love how some people think they are the only ones on planet Earth..